The Fair-Haired Child

There Was a Little Girl

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very good indeed,

But when she was bad she was horrid.

by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There was once a fair-haired child who often heard this poem when she was young. By all accounts, she was said to be bright and lovely; possessing a tender and compassionate heart.  Yet, she lacked any real confidence, quiet and shy to the extreme.  In social situations frequently aware that she was different, seeming to be lacking in those traits that made her readily accepted by her peers, she withdrew into herself, listening to that voice which constantly whispered to her heart: “Never good enough.”  Her heart easily bruised, she learned to shut others out at the first sign of pain—too afraid that if others knew who she really was, there would be even more ridicule, rejection, or humiliation–loneliness and isolation easier to tolerate than the vulnerability and fear of letting others get too close.

As she grew older, others considered her to be competent and confident, with wisdom beyond her years; yet that voice continued to whisper:  “Never good enough”.  She did not understand that the drive for perfection was the complete opposite from the call to excellence. It was easier to focus on what was lacking than grateful for what was God-given—unable to understand that being perceived as different from those she saw around her didn’t mean “odd” or “unacceptable” or “worthless” or “flawed”.  It wasn’t until she had a child of her own that the realization began to dawn–this child was a special treasure beyond all else—the way God saw her too. Not wanting her child to suffer from the same shyness and self-doubt which had plagued her for decades, she began to fill the child’s heart and thoughts with the goodness of God’s many gifts to her and the special call on her life that required each specific skill and talent—something she hadn’t heard herself as a child, even though well-loved.  She had begun to understand that God makes no mistakes in who He creates, precisely giving to each one those specific gifts, talents,  and personality traits which will enable them to walk confidently into His pre-ordained call for their lives.

There is no telling what the fair-haired child missed by listening to those decades of demonic lies and allowing the strangle hold of fear to dominate her life. The heart that had been seared with numbness from pushing the pain ever deeper, is difficult to revive. Certainly fear does not come from God—faith is His path.  She is beginning to understand that the value of her life is in what God has created and Jesus Christ died for on Calvary; not in what Satan had whispered to her or what she had thought was true. She has become overwhelmed with anger on hearing those same lies whispered to others like her—anger at what is being stolen from them, wanting their hearts healed and restored before decades are wasted or lost.

She does not know what the end of this story will be—only God knows that.  However, she has come to understand that God creates each individual for His purposes and for the advancement of His kingdom.  No one is unnecessary, no one doesn’t fit, no one is without a God-given inheritance or without a purpose, and no one is without incredible value to Him–each one a unique and special treasure.  How could she have valued as worthless what God had valued so highly? How could she have valued what others thought of her more than what God had said was true?

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11-13

“For you are a holy people to the LORD your God; the LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for Himself, a special treasure above all the peoples on the earth.” Deuteronomy 7:6 (NKJV)

Copyright © 2010 by Susan E. Johnson
All rights reserved

Fear Factor

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”  2 Timothy 1:7  (NKJV)

There is certainly no shortage of things in this world to be afraid of and, if by some chance you run out, there are those that will manufacture more for you.  Fear is obviously the antithesis of faith and should have no part in a Christian’s life and yet most of us struggle with elements of it daily.  I particularly struggled with fear after the first post for this blog.  It reminded me of walking down the steps of the church after my wedding and thinking: “What have I done?”  Somehow I had hoped no one would find out or actually read that post– wanting to be obedient to God without it costing  too much.  Unfortunately, my daughter placed the link on her Facebook page, telling everyone to take a look at it, while my husband told a friend of ours, who did the same.  When I told my daughter about how panicked I felt after that first post, she laughed at me and said:  ”Silly Mom, what good is writing a blog if no one is going to read it?”   She is right, of course, but I felt incredibly exposed and vulnerable.  My first instinct has always been to run and hide, and this time was no different–like the skittish cat who hides under the bed, thinking no one can see him, but whose tail is prominently sticking out, letting everyone know exactly where he is.  I have tremendous respect for those who God has called to the creative arts and who continually overcome fear by taking the risk to show what is in their hearts; writing their stories on the stage, the page, or on canvas.

Fear is a merciless dictator.  It leads us to places we don’t want to go and drives us to make decisions we later regret. Letting fear rule our lives is in direct opposition to what God has commanded us to do: “Fear not.”  When we chose to fear, we are living out the belief that God is not able, not willing, or not loving enough to take care of us; that His will and provision won’t be enough.  Faith is an active process, one that requires an effort on our part.  Fear comes naturally–a direct result of the sin we were born into: faith leads to life, fear leads to death. It is our responsibility to choose which one will determine the outcome of the decisions we make each day.

Unfortunately, I learned how to be fearful at an early age. I have clear memories during the second grade of standing in a large gymnasium for my first ballet class. I had begged my mother for quite some time for the chance to take ballet classes and she had finally capitulated. On that first day of class, I found myself in this cavernous room with about ten other girls feeling totally intimidated and lost.  I lasted  for two classes before I told my mother that I didn’t want to go any more. She probably thought it was because I was no longer interested, but the real reason was because I was too afraid to be out in front of others doing something that made me feel so totally inadequate.

Learning to drive was the source of another one of my greatest fears.  Although a relatively competent driver, I didn’t begin as a confident one.  I can still remember watching a movie in driver’s education class in high school that showed, in graphic detail,  car accidents which illustrated the horrific results of bad driving judgement.  During a recent conversation with my father (in which we were discussing the challenges parents face as they help their children grow into adulthood), he told me how nervous he was as he watched me drive off in my first car (purchased after college graduation for a new job) with only three days of practice on a manual transmission.  It must have been a disconcerting sight watching me lurch down the road as I left my parent’s house for the long drive back home and the challenge of Chicago traffic.  His faith in me and in God’s protection was greater than mine. I wish I could say that when my daughter was learning to drive, I showed the same faith in God and in her, but that wasn’t so.  I am convinced my fears did nothing to build her confidence and likely added to her existing ones.  Initially our daughter was very hesitant about to learning to drive, and when she finally did, she didn’t like it much. In her defense, the traffic where we live isn’t for the faint of heart and can frighten even the most proficient drivers. It took our daughter a long time to overcome most of those fears along with her dislike of driving.  It wasn’t until she made a long road trip with a friend for a summer ballet intensive that she gained more confidence and began to enjoy it some.  The two-day drive each way was one of great fear and constant prayer for me.  It wasn’t until she had arrived safely back home that those fears began to fade.

The socialization process for the grade school through high school years was an especially painful one for me, feeding an already fearful personality. It seems, in retrospect, that profound shyness appears to have been an open invitation for ridicule from many of my peers and, unfortunately, a few of my teachers. I can clearly remember the first time I voluntarily raised my hand to answer a question in my junior year English class. This particular teacher was one of my favorites and she had worked very hard to make me feel more comfortable and confident in this class. I will always be grateful for her patience and persistence.

These current turbulent economic times have been a source of great fear for many, including us. My husband has worked for many years in what has become, in the past decade, a very turbulent industry.  Initially the telecommunications  industry exhibited rapid growth and great prosperity.  However, since the “Tech Wreck” of 2000 this has not been the case, as over and over most of the companies he has worked for have ceased to exist–a result of having been bought out or of going bankrupt.  Each loss of job left us with nothing to show for all of his hard work, requiring us to start over again, usually in a city at the opposite end of the country.  We are a living, breathing testament to God’s faithfulness, mercy, and provision as He has sustained us through often overwhelming financial challenges.  We are grateful for how, each year, He has met our needs and covered over many mistakes with His never-ending love and forgiveness.

So, I am left to ponder God’s quiet words to my heart as my husband has, for the second time in the past year, recently been laid off yet again:  “Are you willing to trust Me this time?”

I am working on it. Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning.

The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still water. He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  Psalm 23 (NKJV)

Copyright © 2010 by Susan E. Johnson
All rights reserved

The Problem With Obedience

“Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to what I command you.” Genesis 27:8 (NKJV)

The problem with obedience is, of course, that we don’t want to (obey God’s Word, that is). From Adam and Eve’s fateful decision to disobey the command of the Lord, eating from the tree He had expressly forbidden them to eat from, our hearts have rebelled against God’s purposes for our lives–the perpetual conflict between what He wants, and what we want. I wish that I could say that I have always instantly obeyed God in everything He has told me to do, but everyone would know that certainly wasn’t the truth. It is always much easier to listen to the voice of other people or the voice of our own will, than God’s voice.  Obedience requires something from us, and it is usually something we don’t want to give. It requires courage and faith: courage to overcome our fears and faith that what God has ordained is far better than any plan we could have devised.

It is a sad fact that over the course of my life I have probably disobeyed more times than I have obeyed what God has asked of me. I am grateful for the grace and mercy of God—not to mention His immeasurable patience, as He has waited for me to realize that I am just not that smart about figuring out what is best for me.  As I look back over my life, I am saddened by the many years (and even decades, in some cases) that have been wasted by not implementing the changes God has asked for. It is certainly not because God hasn’t tried to get my attention, or sent people my way with wisdom I didn’t heed, or even that somehow I didn’t understand what He was saying.  It was likely more an issue of pride–I thought I knew better (and not seeing the law of unintended consequences that resulted from some of the bad decisions I made). When I was younger I had no sense of how fast life was passing—no clear revelation that before I knew it, I would so quickly get to be this age. I have largely lived my life in one year increments-dictated by the school year or by each move we made, as if I was checking things off some invisible list, each to be endured or conquered or completed until the really good stuff in life came along.  Before I knew it, years had gone by and I still hadn’t dealt with what He had asked me to.

Thankfully, there have been three notable examples of obedience that brought great richness and fulfillment to my life: my choice of profession, my choice of spouse, and the homeschooling of my daughter. Each example of obedience is very different, but the end result was the same. One might almost say that God knew what He was doing!

I have known that God wanted me to be a nurse from the time I was five years old. My mother wrote an entry in my baby book about how I showed interest and compassion for the hurt and sick from a very young age. God’s pre-ordained purpose for my life showed itself early. Not everyone is that fortunate. Usually it takes much time and effort to figure out what God wants you to do with the gifts and talents that He has graced you with. If I hadn’t had such a strong awareness of what I was supposed to do, I might not have followed my nursing education to completion. It was clear that I wasn’t really that much like the others in my class. They had a much easier time memorizing anatomy and physiology, pharmacology, and other essential facts necessary to give safe and effective care to the sick.  Mostly, I was interested in  people’s emotional or spiritual health—even once considering psychiatric nursing as a professional goal. That isn’t where I wound up, but it was an essential tool for where I eventually did.

The choice of spouse was not so easily arrived at. When I first met my husband, God clearly spoke to my heart that he was the one I was to marry. I was not entirely amused. He did not fit into my preconceived ideas of the type of man I would spend the rest of my life with. In fact, he was the polar opposite in many ways. I thought I would marry someone who was quiet, studious, serious, proper, and, as I look back on it, boring. I was painfully shy as a girl, never comfortable with the socially gregarious. My husband was, and is, far more comfortable in social situations than I am. He is not afraid to talk to anyone, not easily intimidated by others, or lacking in confidence. He always has a funny story to tell and a great sense of humor. He is, in fact, exactly what I need. He is the complement to those areas in my life where I am lacking. And, he was the answer to one of my greatest fears when I was growing up and considering the concept of marriage: I was afraid that after one year’s time, I would be terminally bored.  His bright and quick mind is always amazing to me. He understands things that I have no clue about, things like economics, philosophy, theology, and financial markets.

It took me two years to figure out that what I wanted didn’t really matter. It was what God wanted that did.  It took me two years to overcome the pride and arrogance that I knew better than God what I needed–shameful, but true. When I finally decided to be obedient to the plan of God for my life and decided to accept it, I had to stand against my friends and family who thought I was making a huge mistake. He didn’t fit their preconceived ideas either.  It is amazing to me that God gave me the courage to do that—I have never considered myself to be an especially courageous person.

My husband and I never dated—we had been friends for about two years. When he came through Chicago for my graduation from college, we went out for dinner and God finally got through to me that this was where my destiny was.  Several weeks later he called me on the phone to ask me if I would consider taking our friendship in a different direction. As God had been dealing with my heart about the same thing, I said “yes.”  Over the next few days, God continued to speak so that when he called and asked me: “So, what do you think? Should we get married?” I was ready to give my answer. In retrospect, I wouldn’t recommend this progression to engagement as the norm!  Had I not had such a definitive word from the Lord on the subject, I would never have been ready to do that, and I certainly wouldn’t have been able to stand in the face of the displeasure I sensed from my family and friends.  After 32 years of marriage, it is clear that God’s Hand has been on our marriage. I don’t think anyone really expected that we would go the distance! And while we have had many challenges over the years, the one area where God has consistently blessed us has been in our relationship.  Obedience to God’s plan has given me far more than I ever could have imagined–a daughter who is the delight of my heart.

There was no way of knowing that the experience required to stand in obedience for my spouse would again be required when it came to educating our daughter. Homeschooling was not a concept I was familiar with.  In fact, we had planned to send her to a very good private school in Jackson, MS when my husband was transferred to San Diego for another job.  When we arrived in California, we found the schools abysmal and the cost of living incredibly expensive. I briefly considered going back to work to help pay for the cost of private school but God intervened through a conversation with a good friend. She had just begun homeschooling her two daughters, removing them from private school because one of them was having problems with reading and not making much progress. She was excited about homeschooling and opened my mind to the possibilities.

I wish that I could say that our original decision to home school was one of intentional obedience, but it wasn’t. I had never thought myself temperamentally suited to the homeschooling process.  It was more a decision made from necessity and lack of a viable alternative that started us on the homeschooling journey. I figured that I couldn’t possibly “mess up” kindergarten too badly and hoped that by the end of the school year, another option would present itself.  In September we began a traditional phonics program, progressing through it so that, by Christmas, our daughter was reading simple phrases. And then something happened. Within the next 3 months she went from that to reading at a sixth grade level.  We felt that she would never easily adjust to a traditional first grade classroom environment and  the decision was made to try one more year and see where that went. At the end of first grade, we opted for her to take the Stanford Achievement Test to see where her academic strengths and weaknesses were.   To our surprise, she tested at a ninth grade reading level– overall at a sixth to seventh grade level. Now we had an even bigger problem. I consulted with the principal of the home school umbrella school that we were a part of, asking about the possibility of skipping a grade so that she wouldn’t get bored. We were advised to leave her in the natural progression of grades, but supplement with enough challenging material to keep that from happening. I knew in my heart this wasn’t the right decision, so we opted to advance her to third grade. Our families could not understand why we were not placing her in a “real school” and giving her all of the advantages of the socialization process and the educational expertise with accelerated academics that were available.  Each year we decided to “try it again” for another year until God spoke to us that this was what He wanted for her and for us.

We were aware that God had made our daughter a bit different from the other children we saw—something her peers where quick to point out to her.  It was not uncommon for them to ask her why she didn’t speak like they did, think like they did, or do the things they did–making her feel out of synch with many her age, and as she has told me, lonely, as she had no siblings.  It wasn’t until getting to college that she found many more like herself. The challenge for us, as parents, has been to convince her that those differences are a necessary requirement given to her by God to equip her to fulfill His plans and purposes–not evidence of some fundamental flaw.  Her challenge is, in turn, to discover each one of those gifts and determine how God would have her use them to fit together in the puzzle that is her life while advancing His Kingdom.

Clearly obedience to God’s Word has many consequences—some intended but many unintended. You would think that we would be smart enough to figure out that walking in His ways always gives us a better outcome–not to mention a richer and more fulfilling life.  God, help us to daily walk in Your Ways. Give us an obedient heart.

“But this is what I commanded them, saying, ‘Obey My voice, and I will be your God, and you shall be My people. And walk in all the ways that I have commanded you, that it may be well with you.’” Jeremiah 7:23 (NKJV)

Copyright © 2010 by Susan E. Johnson
All rights reserved

Manoah’s Wife

Image via Wikipedia

When the Angel of the LORD appeared no more to Manoah and his wife, then Manoah knew that He was the Angel of the LORD. And Manoah said to his wife, “We shall surely die, because we have seen God!” But his wife said to him, “if the LORD had desired to kill us, He would not have accepted a burnt offering and a grain offering from our hands, nor would He have shown us all these things, nor would He have told us such things as these at this time.”  Judges 13:21-23 (NKJV)

So Samson went down to Timnah with his father and mother, and came to the vineyards of Timnah. Now to his surprise, a young lion came roaring against him. And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he tore the lion apart as one would have torn apart a young goat, though he had nothing in his hand. But he did not tell his father or his mother what he had done.” Judges 14:5-6 (NKJV)

Then Samson called to the LORD, saying, “O Lord GOD, remember me, I pray! Strengthen me, I pray, just this once, O God that I may with one blow take vengeance on the Philistines for my two eyes!”  And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars which supported the temple, and he braced himself against them, one on his right and the other on his left. Then Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” And he pushed with all his might, and the temple fell on the lords and all the people who were in it. So the dead that he killed at his death were more than he had killed in his life. And his brothers and all his father’s household came down and took him and brought him up and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of his father Manoah. He had judged Israel twenty years. Judges 16: 28-31 (NKJV)

Manoah’s wife is a clear testament to God’s willingness in using ordinary people to birth the extraordinary and complete His purposes for a generation.

Copyright © 2010 by Susan E. Johnson
All rights reserved